I have recently caught up with dear friend Zlatan Ibrahimovic (sort of), and he offered to answer some questions for me to share here.
To get the full interview experience, put on a Zlatan accent. Take a very strong Jose Mourinho accent, add a touch of Louis Van Gaal, square it, add a pinch of Carragher and multiply by 7, then mix well. Also pronounce Zlatan as Zlyaten.
Gouis23: Hello Mr Ibrahimovic, for the purposes of this blog post you can call me Gouis, and I’m here to interview you.
Z: Zlatan does not do interviews. Zlatan tells you what Zlatan wants to say, not what Gooey wants.
G: Umm, okay. What do you think of Sweden’s mediocre performances in World Cup Qualifying?
Z: It is not Zlatan’s problem. Zlatan scores the goals. Zlatan wins the points. It is Zlatan’s team-mates who are letting Zlatan down.
G: Is it not a team effort?
Z: It is. And my team are not putting in effort! Only Zlatan!
G: So if Sweden fail to qualify…
Z: The European Championships are nothing without Zlatan. Nobody will bother watching it if Zlatan is not there.
G: Oh, right. Tell us about your marvellous goal against England.
Z: Some random England guy…
G: Joe Hart.
Z: Whatever. He plays excellent ball to Zlatan who does what Zlatan does and bicycle kick it over his head from 30 yards. It is nothing.
G: Where you not surprised at all by it?
Z: No, and neither were my team. I do it 5 times a day in training.
G: Wow. What do you think of PSG?
Z: You mean PZG. Perfect Zlatan Goals.
G: No, your club. Paris Saint-Germain.
Z: Erm, who are they again?
G: Who is the best manager you have worked under in your career?
Z: The best is… Zlatan! Zlatan needs no manager, Zlatan is too good for any manager. Zlatan manages team himself.
G: So you manage PSG?
Z: Even David Luiz’s hair listens when Zlatan speaks.
G: Well, thank you for letting me interview you.
Z: No no no no NO! Zlatan interviewed you, not you interview Zlatan. Ok?
G: Yes… sir…
Z: Your life will never be the same now you have experienced Zlatan.
Zlatan walks out.
G: You’re right. It really won’t!